By Sonia Simone
Let’s face it, moms know everything. (Of course, now that I have a child, I realize how pitifully incorrect this is. Never mind.) Mom had it right on the big stuff, anyway. And she had it right because she loved you, and love is smarter than anything.
So as a last-minute mother’s day present, here are 6 (ok, 5) mom-approved tips for your own personal and professional success.
1. Just be yourself. If people don’t like it, they aren’t real friends anyway
There’s no worse waste of time, energy and money than trying to do work for clients who aren’t right for you. In the first place, it won’t work–you’ll go broke trying. And in the time you waste, you could have been connecting with dozens or hundreds or thousands of clients who would love and appreciate you.
Assuming you aren’t a sociopath with halitosis, spend as little time as possible dwelling on what you do badly. Focus on being unbelievably great at what you do well.
Consider constructing a 12-foot tall neon sign about anything you’re a little insecure about. Hot pink is a good color. (Mine reads: "World’s Least Competent Cold Caller.") This will, perversely, read as confidence, and the people who already liked you will start to put much more trust in you.
2. If you can’t say something nice . . .
I realize this somewhat contradicts #1, especially if you happen to be a snarky, edgy type of person who can hone an insult sharper than a San Quentin shiv.
Let’s face it. There are few pleasures that compare to trash talking, especially if you’re really good at it. That delectable shiver of superiority as your arrow hits the mark. The boom of approving laughter. Well-honed snark is a mighty, mighty drug.
There’s almost nothing about my life I would change, except for the times I’ve hurt people with something I have said. Even if the person you’re going after is Ted Bundy, you’ll do some collateral damage. Some nice, interesting, quiet person (who might have had something really remarkable to contribute) will be angered and hurt by what you’ve said, and you’ll never even notice.
The tricky part is, for some of us, this really is where our gifts lie. Some of us are Molly Ivins, or Bill Hicks. If that’s you, be sure to choose your targets wisely. Go after Google, or China, or network television. Remember the traditional journalist’s credo: afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted.
3. If you’re that bored, go clean your room
Feeling stuck? Can’t move forward? Spinning your wheels and making no progress?
I’ll lay odds that somewhere, there’s some uncomfortable business that you need to attend to, but you’re putting it off. Maybe it’s getting over your number-phobia and talking with a bookkeeper. Maybe it’s coming to terms with your fear and loathing of marketing. Maybe it’s just a half-day of errands, running around to get your PO Box and business checking set up.
The things you put off not only mutate to ten times their natural size, they also start creating weird unconscious blocks in other parts of your life. Somewhere, where you can’t quite hear it, there’s a tape (I suppose these days, this is now an MP3) running that’s saying, "if I can’t even get it together to set up an email newsletter, there’s no way I can actually succeed at this business/project/fundraiser."
I don’t know what "clean your room" will mean for you, but you do. It popped into your head about four seconds ago. Write it down, right now.
(Waiting for you to write it down.)
OK, now before you can think about it too much, just go get it done. If you can physically get off your ass right this minute and get it finished, do that. If not, scribble on a post-it the next thing you need to do to make this happen, and then figure out exactly when you’re going to do that. Before the end of this week, please.
You’ll be happily surprised by how much energy this frees up. That same MP3 player will start playing a new tune, something more like, "huh, I guess I’m kind of a stud after all. Now that I’ve got that done, I’m going to do this other thing right now."
Sounds hokey, but it works. Like so much of mom’s advice.
4. Look with your eyes, not with your hands
OK, I wracked my brain and can’t figure out a way to translate this one to success. It just cracks me up when I hear myself telling my own kid this. Sorry.
5. If your friends jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, would you do it?
Never mind that the true answer to this is usually sure I would. Mom was trying to teach you that the right answer is no, and that’s good advice.
What works beautifully for Skellie or Clay or Caroline may not be the right choice for me.
My version of a great Copyblogger post (I thought the naked one was pretty good) looks significantly different from Brian’s great posts, or James’s, or Dean’s or Roberta’s.
Being inquisitive and paying attention and learning by observation are all terrific. God knows I built this blog on the foundation of a pretty transparent role model. (I believe Brian’s term for the early days of remarcom was "a shrine.") I can heartily endorse copying someone really good for a little while. But you do it to learn your own voice, your own obsessions, and your own unique contributions.
If you’ve ever bought something just because the ad or sales letter was irresistible, try to find that ad and copy it out by hand. Do that with any written ad that really pulls you. You’ll learn a surprising amount.
Copy wisely, copy from the best, then set copying aside and do your own thing. You really can conquer the world that way.
6. Look where you’re going
When all else fails, pay attention. The more lost you feel, the more curiosity you need to cultivate about where you are and what’s going on right this instant.
There’s a ton of advice out there about just about anything. Irritatingly, each of us has to build our own version of the map. We construct it with 10,000 jigsaw pieces in front of us, only 4,000 of which fit the puzzle we’re working on. Horribly inefficient, but it’s the only way to make something real.
Keep paying attention. The path will appear. Make sure your shoes are tied and you’ve got clean underwear, a kleenex and enough money to get a taxi home if you need to. You’re going to do just fine.
(P.S. What’s your own favorite bit of advice from mom? Let us know in the comments, please!)
Flickr Creative Commons image by basykes
How to Take a Punch (Without Hitting Back or Sinking to the Mat)
Here’s the part no one talks about, when you’re creating content strategies for your business. You reveal a few personal details and make yourself vulnerable. You pour your heart into your content, because you know that in order to make a personal connection, people need to feel they know you. You work hard getting it as great as you possibly can.
And someone comes along who hates it, and you feel like you’ve been pissed on.
Now you may be one of those highly admirable people who takes nothing personally. If so, go check out something practical like Chris Garrett’s post today, this one will bore you to death.
But if you’re a thin-skinned sensitive soul like I am, you will feel like killing yourself. Jumping off a bridge seems like a pleasant proposition next to this. We quirky souls (I prefer quirky to neurotic, don’t you?) secretly spend a little too much time mentally listing all the ways we aren’t good enough, don’t know enough, and are entirely unworthy of any success, love, fame or money. An unappreciative remark (or a downright criticism) hits us like a bucket of ice water to the face.
“Aha!” we think. “I knew I sucked. Now I have validation. Add to my to-do list, find bridge.”
Since the world is a better place if you do not, in fact, kill yourself, here are a few strategies for when you’re finding it just too awful to go on.
1. Keep a testimonial file
Ideally you’ll do this before some brute rains on your parade. Create a file of great things people have said about you. Keep it where you can always find it. (The Web is nice for this–I’m never far away from my Backpack.) Unless you are Osama Bin Laden, your fans are going to massively outnumber your critics. Keep a lot of evidence from your fans, and make a point of referring to it frequently.
This is not vanity, this is a simple reality check. Most of us weigh criticism far more heavily than we do kudos, an unhelpful and unhealthy habit. We need to make a point of remembering to focus on the good stuff.
2. Resist the temptation to kick yourself for getting upset
You may have an internal monologue that goes something along the lines of, “Why am I such an idiot to take everything personally? I’ll never be able to succeed if I don’t get a thicker skin. God, if only I didn’t suck I’d be making as much money as Brian/Darren/ at the very least Remarkablogger. Stupid, stupid, stupid idiot to take it personally. Stop taking it personally. God damn it, stop. Ugh. Moron.”
Let me be gentle. This is not helping you, sweetie. You’ve just taken a right cross to the jaw–please try to refrain from giving yourself a left hook to follow it up.
When I catch myself doing this, I find it extremely helpful to wallow in my misery. Go ahead and feel bad about getting criticized. In fact, go ahead and feel awful. It’s quite helpful to zero in on physical reactions–my scalp always gets hot when I feel under attack, and my gut gets cold and knotted up. Pay attention to all that. Let yourself feel absolutely dreadful. The more completely you can give in to it, the quicker it passes.
3. Control your outward reaction
Since I am good with words, at one point in my life I responded to criticism with the verbal equivalent of neutron bombs. I can be pretty darned mean when I set my mind to it.
Not smart. Or kind.
Liz Strauss had a nice point on this at SOBCon. If you get slammed, say thank you. As unappealing as this may seem (and believe me, I’ve tried to find a workaround, but so far, no luck), criticism can sometimes be very useful. When you’ve had a chance to process everything, you can go back and decide whether or not there’s something to learn. In the meantime, you’ll look cool, calm and collected.
Which, in my evolved way, I like to think of as nice revenge on the rat bastard.
If you’re a true head case like I am, it’s smart to work up your response in advance. Feel free to steal this one:
Expert communicator tip: This works better if you use their name rather than [jerkface].
4. Don’t over-correct
You’ve put a lot of time and thought into your content. If one person in a hundred hates it, the odds are not in their favor.
So yes, you may learn something valuable. But don’t change your direction until you’ve given yourself enough time to really process it. If you’re still angry and hurt, you’re not there yet. Once you can think about the comment and not get mad, you’re ready to learn.
If you’re still boiling, go back to step 2. Vent, vent, vent. Wallow in your rage and misery and be an absolute drama queen until it doesn’t really bug you any more.
You may be strongly (and subconsciously) tempted to do anything at all to avoid ever getting criticized again. Resist this with everything you’ve got. Nothing is more boring than inoffensive content.
5. Congratulations! You’re succeeding
This is the really annoying one.
When you’re getting criticized, it means you’re moving toward success. Your stuff is getting in front of more eyes, which means your odds of finding a critic go up. And you look strong and confident enough that the people who dislike strong, confident people will take a potshot at you.
Also, your thin skin can actually be a tremendous asset. Great content and relationship marketing depend on a high level of empathy. Being a delicate flower usually means you’re a blackbelt at empathy. If you can, think of your writhing agony as a price you pay for gifts that come in very handy at other times.
I know all of this is easier said than done. Believe me, I have 42 years of experience in how much harder it is to do than to say. But these do help me a lot, and I hope some of them may help you too. Most of you are far less mentally ill than I am, so you may not need all of them.
Related Reading:
So let us know in the comments: What’s your best technique is for handling criticism?
(p.s. If you like this post, I will be honored if you’d Digg, Stumble or link!)
Flickr Creative Commons image by ganessas